We’re Only Human

As I sit at my desk, in my underwear, drinking day old coffee, eating a “sharing size” serving of M&M’s, and raising an inquisitive eyebrow at the Spotify app requiring yet another update…I had an epiphany. As your mind attempts to wrap around the thought of the beginning sentence, most likely determining that it has nothing to do with anything of any consequence neither with the topic of this blog nor of anything remotely relevant or interesting, I ask that you please, bare with me. And more to the point, thank you for excusing the rambling as well as the blatant and shameless use of an inappropriately placed preposition. Also, I apologize to the reader whom has taught me better than this, that has also inspired my writing in the first place…

We are entirely at the mercy of the spontaneity of life, and it’s mysterious jazz like rhythm. So much so, that to form a thought surrounding an idea so unexpected reasonably, that we first must jump to the worst possible conclusion. Good, bad, ugly (sorry Clint), it is preposterous to believe that some things just work. Always a catch, a slight of hand, something that just begs the question…what’s wrong with this picture? (the answer isn’t in the back of the newspaper, but it might be in Cosmo)

I will tell you what is wrong with this picture. The fact that we disregard that we as a species, as humans (and most aliens) are perpetually, inherently, flawed. We accept our shortcomings, our inner demons, even desires for more than we have as bounds to disengage, disappoint, and disempower. We dilute ourselves for the greater good…for ourselves? Who knew being selfless, could be selfish. Shamefully, I admit that I too had generally rather imparted impartiality (thank you english), than embrace personality. And in the last few years, I had grown even more loathsome, increasingly tired of trying to be anything other than myself. So I let it go. I took off my pants. I ate my bag of M&M’s. I drank my day old coffee. And I found out…

Our potential is exponential. And that rhyming is really fun…And that too many “ands” and writing without pants, is perfectly acceptable. As long as you’re you at the end of the day. And no one else. Being someone you don’t know and not wearing pants, while freeing, is widely frowned upon in most settings other than being in your home. The fact that I chose to drink cold, day old coffee, while living in the coffee capital of the country…is just poor form. Not to mention at this moment terrible on my digestive system. The point is, you cannot save someone else the trouble of life by not loving yourself…And you cannot be happy with someone else, until you are happy with yourself.

Also that life no matter from where you have come, has affected you. It has affected me. It affects everyone. No one comes from nowhere. Everyone has a story. A life. A tragedy. A mystery. A success. A worth…No one is perfect. No one has escaped unscathed, untouched. What makes us who we are is how we handle it all. What we make from what life throws at us next. How we move on, move forward, and that we keep moving. We keep searching. We keep on keeping on. Life’s a garden. Dig it. The rolling bird gathers no worm!

Okay okay, you’re probably thinking you’ve heard all this before…Be happy and happiness will follow blah, blah, blah. Oprah has said it every show for the last twenty-five years, and she gave away cars for listening to her…Well, I’m no Oprah but I’ve got something to say.

I’ve met someone. Someone whom has in a short time, become my world, a place and feeling I had never known. On the outside, expressive and obviously smitten, there cannot be a person unaware of my affection for her. Inside, immediately I was afraid. I was petrified. Thinking I could never…*cough* I tallied my score card of achievements, transgressions, good will, ill will, relationships both failed and flourishing. And I thought, and thought and thought. How can I ask someone to look beyond everything I’m not? Who can you trust with your fears, your failures, and the fact that you don’t share your M&M’s? How, more appropriately, can you ask someone to do that? And the answer is simpler than you think…

When you are happy with yourself, you won’t have to. And if you’ve found the right person, they won’t let you.

And I am. And we are. And you will be too.

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My Life in a Box

“You know, there’s a lot of pressure to writing these things. Initially, I wrote something I thought women would want to read. Then I decided, I should really write something heartfelt and thoughtful. Now I’m thinking, I should really just write what comes to mind in the order it comes, and hope the person reading it can decipher, or at least make some kind of sense out of it. So here goes nothing…

I make quick gut-based decisions. Make a fool of myself frequently. Talk first, think later. Find trouble. Make trouble but generally only for myself. I’m rambunctious, outspoken, and infectiously energetic. Quick witted, often throwing the the first verbal punch in hopes someone will challenge me and return it. People tend to gravitate toward my energy, whether its from making a scene, or genuinely hoping they’ve found someone unafraid of putting themselves out there so they can too.

Life to me, has always been about finding extremes, and then balancing them out. I work hard to support my love of the arts, and hopefully in time will transition into a full time illustrator. I love to meet new people, as well as am comfortable being a homebody, but ultimately know life is better shared with someone. And that’s what I’m here for. I’m always looking to make new friends, but in the search for something long lasting.

That being said, don’t waste my time if you don’t intend on pursuing a relationship be it friends or dating. I value my time, and that of people I care for. I am more than willing to go out of my way for a good friend, so I don’t appreciate people who can’t at the very least be courteous and respectful in return.”

The problem with writing about yourself, is that the idea of oneself versus the idea someone else has about you, is entirely different. Every. Single. Time. Everything is relative. As such the case, we’re forced to generalize, and depreciate the many quirks, obsessions, and eccentricities that make us…human.

 

The World of Internet Dating

I fantasize from time to time. You know…about who could be out there. She could be smart…and funny. I dare ask good looking. And even now I laugh at the thought of it. That woman…she’s married, with kids, the husband, the dog and the shiny new house on the corner of Whippoorwill drive. Secretly I suspect, she is involved in some kind of covenant. Sacrificing stray cats that roam the otherwise perfect Leave it to Beaver neighborhood (they win the community-to-live-in awards every year). Empowering and encouraging her husband to work endless hours, always reminding him to make sure the family is taken care of… in his insurance forms. She’s responsible like that. And it’s not like he doesn’t know what’s going on… There are plenty of examples of creatures in this world that are willingly devoured by their mate. In the animal kingdom too. Who needs that kind of stress?