The Great Compromise

How does one write a brilliant yet understated blog full of sentiment and worthwhile down to earth advice? It’s difficult. And time consuming. And for one that always has the last word…It is less than comical how long it can take to find the words to write even a single entry. Life intervenes as it will, and we are at the mercy of it’s tirelessly ridiculous never-ending distractions. And I am human. Mostly. Just like most of you are, mostly.

That being said. There has been much to report in the days since last we spoke. I will gladly get to those things, once Spotify would kindly stop pausing mid-song during my listening to the everlasting,ever hopeful, gloriously underwhelming rhythms and sounds of

Which for optimal listening pleasure, is best enjoyed using headphones, and in the dark. Or by tape deck should you have one. And should have you have tight pants, bangs you have to “Roxberry” style head-bob (I made that word up) out of the way and a cellular device you can mute to passive-aggressively announce your anti-social tendencies…

You will be all set, and ready to write. Or cry. Sometimes I choose crying. But only on the inside. Karate man only cry on the inside! (Eddie Murphy anyone?) (Bueller…?)

Okay. Screw it. I’m a writer! A writer writes! Always! The night was moist…

This blog was originally supposed to be about a boy making his way through the complicated, overrated , overdramatized, dating stages of life. A courageous adventure , an epic, a tale of such gargantuan proportion and complexity of the unknown, inner workings of dating at large, that not only could my readers live vicariously through me , but could help to come to avoid the pitfalls that would most certainly bring upon a swift and painful end. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorn after all. And if you don’t believe that… You’re going to need more help than I thought.  you…*cough* So. Back to my point.

Instead I find myself in a happy, healthy relationship, and to my surprise, an entirely different set of questions now lay before me. Questions I hadn’t even considered answers to, as I have felt mostly in my previous life at least, would be answers that would have to be made as I came to them. Not counting chickens before they hatched so to speak. Luckily I have no chicken eggs. Nor chickens for that matter. I’ve seen evidence of how evil and aggressive these seemingly harmless creatures can be. And as Pablo Neruda has written…

“I am weary of chickens. No one knows what they are thinking, and they look at us with dry eyes and consider us unimportant…”

I’ve been waiting to use that quote.

Anyhow. As we speak, she moves gracefully through the apartment, cleaning dishes, packaging leftovers, (that she will undoubtedly remind me to take for lunch tomorrow), and doing the many things she does that makes my life that much more special and comforting. And the questions I spoke of,  are no longer for myself, but for us as a whole. A single person has nothing to worry about.

If I felt the need to quit my job, live off of Top Ramen and Rainier, sell the fungus between my toes as art, and adopt a misshapen, hairless muskrat to call my precious… There is nothing that would stop me ( that may or may not have been me four months ago) . It was always easy enough to think for myself, and go where the wind blows. I even admired to a point, the idea of living for one`s self…

Outside of the fact, that none of it was working for me.

And then one day, it all just fell in my lap. As its said it happens..But these questions now, back to the point… Are even harder at times to answer, despite two heads being better than one. Before, I had thought that the idea of compromising was this magical give and take game, where everyone got to say what it is they wanted, and you could agree to disagree. No harm, no foul, sometimes things just don’t work out. And sometimes that’s true. Sometimes I didn’t feel the need to indulge certain habits, tangents, temper tantrums, bugaboos. That is to say, compromising isn’t the same thing as learning a situation isn’t working for you and not accepting that it needs to change…

I haven’t figured it all out. I couldn’t tell you why I let my girlfriend dress me. Or why I spend my Sundays now, watching football with a bar full of drunken hooligans ( and yell along with them ). I even watched an obviously terrible movie. On purpose. Just for her. And I did it without kicking and screaming. Not one peep. Until the end. When we both were utterly disgusted. So, that doesn’t count entirely. Anyway.

I can’t tell you why it works for me. Or if it will work for you. You can dress yourself too. I just have no sense of fashion. And sports are about as intriguing as

to me, but with a grunt, a hooray, some random indistinguishable possibly should be censored words…I can fit in ( pro tip #1 : make sure all words, noises or flailing correspond with what is actually is going on, on the television)( pro tip #2 : whooping, hollering and flat out craziness does help clear space at the bar for extra drawing elbow room).

Okay so…I can list about three hundred other things that we don’t share in common… and at the start I thought it made for more comical interactions than the things I would end up loving about us. Not to mention, how ridiculous I must sound now to the people who know me. And that is yet another topic to discuss later…Truly though, you never know what you will do for a good woman. And that’s okay by me.

What I am trying to get at is quite simple. While we are quite different, we are learning to compromise together. And compromise is not synonymous with singularity. It is actively choosing to act together. To learn together. Enjoy your differences, and embrace the changes that will occur naturally. For better. Or for weirder.


You Know You Need A Woman When : Part Three

I apologize for tonight’s post being so late. Largely due to the fact, that I had to stuff my face. Mind you, I did not do any of the cooking. Unless of course you count pre-heating an oven, which incidentally I am fairly certain I still failed to do correctly. In all fairness however, our oven has issues. Bad wiring or some such I’m sure. None the less, the pizza was still a success. Despite being premature by three or four minutes. And the fact that I didn’t actually put it together. Anyway…

Tonight’s “You Know You Need A Woman When” has to do with style. Fashion. Or whatever you need call it…

  • You can never have enough t-shirts.
  • T-shirts are not limited to the function of under-garments.
  • Socks are worn inside of shoes. Hence, they needn’t match.
  • It should be punishable by law to have socks with holes in them. They are not stylish nor functional anymore.
  • People rarely look at my feet. Thus only a few pair are “needed”.
    • Casual
    • Formal
    • Sports
  • Keeping in mind, if the shoes you wear day to day, double or triple in purpose, superfluous shoes may be discarded.
  • Long sleeves are to be worn rolled back to the elbow.
  • The purpose of long sleeved shirts were to bunch when worn with a jacket. This encouraged consumers to buy larger more expensive jackets (it’s a trap!).
  • Pants follow the same guidelines as shoes.
  • Pants were also made to be worn several days in a row to maximize comfort. By several days, I mean weeks (see previous post about laundry)
  • Your belt should match your shoes. I’m not a heathen.
  • Ties were originally invented in medieval times, and were devices of torture not fashion.
  • The purpose of the tie, has not changed at any point since created.
  • Collars on shirts are to be worn in the down position.
  • Hats are encouraged, and are the only piece of clothing you cannot have too many of.
  • If you have glasses. They should have lenses in them.
  • If you wear glasses without lenses in them, you should stop.
  • No one has glasses size envy. If you do. You probably are part of the previous group, and should behave accordingly.
  • “Dressing down” is agreeable, and let’s face it, its whats underneath that matters.
  • “Dressing up” should be directly proportionate to the situation and necessity. You cannot spell “fun” with the letters from “dress up”.
  • Clothing should also be bought out of necessity.
  • Purchasing clothing with holes already in them (see glasses without lenses).
  • Jeans and a t-shirt has worked for me for at least fifteen years and I know nothing about fashion or style. And that’s okay.
  • If your girlfriend tries to dress you. Let her. She might not know what looks good. But she likes the way it not looking good, looks on you.
  • If your parents try to dress you…Chances are you’re not old enough to vote, and should let it happen. Free clothing is nice.
  • If you can’t dress yourself, that’s fine too. Just remember, clothing should be optional…but isn’t.

I never have found fashion nor style to be important in a relationship. And as far as I’m concerned, my girlfriend always looks gorgeous. Always deserves to be admired, desired, appreciated, and reminded everyday.

I also fully accept the fact that she soon will be choosing my clothing, and if luck will have it, will be dressing me when I am old, feeble, and have as much fashion sense as I do now. And I am lucky that she accepts that I am a mess.

You Know You Need A Woman When : Part Two

I am going to begin this post with a thought about grocery store pre-cooked “Turkey Breast”.

Don’t do it!

Now that I have quite possibly spared your life, or at the very least your internal bodily functions…I’m going to go ahead and spare you the usual ranting, and dive right into today’s “You Know You Need A Woman When”.

Tonight, I write about consumption.

  • I did it. I ate it. All of it.
  • I am a human garbage machine. I can eat anything.
  • I not only can, but do eat everything. And anything.
  • While you’re away, I will make questionable decisions regarding my diet.
  • Food that comes from boxes, bags, or plastic containers, will not be discriminated against.
  • Expiration dates are more like…guidelines.
  • Food and beverage items of question are subject to the same rigorous testing methods, and follow the same guidelines as laundry.
  • A “meal” can be composed of what typically might be considered an ingredient or side-dish.
  • If I don’t know how to cook it. It’s still fair game to eat.
  • There is food in beer, but not beer in food.
  • I make a mean breakfast, which can and will be encouraged as an option at times other than breakfast.
  • Leftovers as a whole are better served and eaten cold.
  • Yes I will have more. Always.
  • My self-control is limited to letting you have the last bite (should I feel generous…or want something in return).
  • I reserve the right to not share, trade, or substitute.
  • There are no hours at which eating is not an option. Regardless of the pain and suffering that most likely will follow.
  • I am an indiscriminate food lover and appreciator. Everything has it’s time and place.

I am what I eat. Never truer words spoken. Take me or leave me. Just a few more things to love about me, that you might not have already known.

Tune in tomorrow for another set of “You Know You Need A Woman When”!

The Brush-off

“ I’d be happy to hang out again, I’m really not looking for a boyfriend. I’m pretty recently single and…am trying to embrace my independence.”

Gentleman. I would like you to consider the above statement while I surround this “situation” with evidence of malpractice. While I am no stranger to rejection, and have received on more occasions than I care mention, the “polite let down”, or as men have coined the ever irritating phrase “Friend-zoned”. There just seems to be an everlasting pool of “subtle” brushoffs, and so I say to you…Never trust a word. I try desperately to maintain a level of humility and strength, thinking “hey, it’s not the end of the world”. Another remark that not so subtly means, get a life. But, none the less, it isn’t, and what we truly should remember is that actions speak louder than words. Unless of course, one of the parties is is playing games. Which never happens…

If no one has told you and you haven’t figured it out yet; what is being nice and what is true, especially in regards to dating, are seldom the same. If you are on the receiving end of such an excuse as the one above, make sure to think before you act on it. What the woman in this case, should have said was something like the following, to best avoid confusion and unwanted attention :

“ I’d be happy to hang out again if I were interested, but I’m really not looking for someone like you, in a boyfriend. I’m recently single and enjoying the attention, but unless you’re what I’m looking for, I’m going to say it’s my independence I’m after, instead of the truth that I don’t want to be single, but I just don’t want to be not single with you. “

See the difference? I get the clear impression, that while we’re both single, the feeling just isn’t mutual between us. I’m not sure when it became popular to be nice instead of truthful, but I hate it. Not only does her response reek of insincerity, but as a guy, leaves little conclusive information in the following steps in the dating ritual.