My laundry is tumbling down the hall (Indiana Jones style). The ever amusing, hardly efficient, “Comfort Zone” system is spewing heat and lord knows what else. I try to imagine that turning up the dial to “roast slowly to death” will not only serve to heat my room (and escape Clint Eastwood style from Alcatraz), but also kill the dust mites residing in it’s humble abode. No wind. No rain. No snow (take that Michigan!). No weather to speak of. The roommates are out. The appropriately named “Deep Focus” playlist has been cued…And I hear nothing else. I now may write something. Or several somethings should time and conscious amuse.
The beauty of the noise canceling headphones is that one may sit, stagnant, lethargic, uncompromising…And remain unbeknownst to the outside world…What they do not advertise, however…
Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Gulp. Crunch. Insert strange guttural noises here. Gulp. Crunch. Slurp.
The sound of your mind! And body for that matter. I tell you, should I ever have to choose my ending, it will not be by the torment of sound produced by my internal organs. I hardly imagine I could wish that on anyone come to think of it. It feels like standing in an old once lived in home after decades have passed it by. It has a way with sound, so haunting and unprepossessing, your nerves simply cannot comprehend it…I also had a burrito for lunch, which may or may not be settling well.
Anyhow. As a constant walker, and public transportation aficionado, as many of us here in Seattleites are, you will notice most of us sport headphones of some sort (read my other blog imantisocialandilikeit.com). And while I could go into an entire article on that alone I will spare you the rant…and actually get to my point of this entry. Which has to do with internal dialogue, and never-ending rhetorical questions. You care don’t you?
I spend most my days worrying. Thinking. Over-analyzing. Complicating. I could write endlessly of the things I am not proud of. And even more so, the many times I could have acted differently and consciously decided not to. I think about the kind of person it makes me. How it hinders the progress of becoming the person I want to be. I debate what true harm I have caused, and where others would have handled the same situation more appropriately. Of course, a great deal of me at least, used to rationalize what others and myself have done simply by terms of moral relativity. Which in itself is wrong. We all should aspire to the same moral code. But I didn’t. Moreover, I selfishly decided that as long as I did not take anyone with me, then what does it matter. And the truth is that none of us has something we aren’t willing to lose. We are all bound together in some way in this world or the next.
What troubles me, is the fact that I had no hope. No plans. No idea. And when you look into the mirror each day, and realize the face looking back at you is your own. And that another day has passed. And another…The moment you figured it all out only took a blink of the eye, and the rest of your life you have…wasted. There is an inexplicable pain that follows.
Then suddenly, you are confronted with something, someone you never even knew was more than you ever dreamed of, more than you thought you deserved, more than anything you never knew you needed. Not only does this emotion exist, but what is attached to it, wants to be part of your life and all that came before it…And that pain I previously spoke of, it burns in such a way you never knew you could feel, over and over again.
Relationships are difficult. People are difficult. Life with or without them are difficult. And pain…is just more simple to accept. It seems to come more steadily. So steady, at a point you seem to forget, or unknowingly ignore that it exists altogether. You can cover it up. Bandage it. Heal it. It reminds you with lovely scars both inside and out, and never truly goes away, but somehow it comforts you. We even begin to call it “humbling”.
As in, it was bound to happen. It needed to happen. You are not by any means allowed to simply be happy! Happiness has conditions! Pain does not…Pain, is what makes you realize you can even reach this idea, this state of being only defined by a confusing, nonsensical expression “I just am”. It’s true. The amount of things in this world that give you pure joy for no reason at all, is ridiculous! It just isn’t right that you can simply enjoy life. Something has to be behind it. Something cynical, and conniving…
When you feel happiness, and you know without a doubt it is what you’re experiencing…My mind decides fear is the first and most logical course of action. Protect yourself. Brace yourself. Prepare yourself. As if you’re the only one who matters, because it is all you have known for how many years. Happiness is about more than one person. It’s about sharing, and loving, and living, protecting and giving. Sure it’s fleeting, and takes work, as all good things do. A big portion of that work is about trust, forgiveness, and understanding. We all have succumbed to pain, and have been overtaken by it. It doesn’t make us bad people, ungrateful or unworthy…It means seeing beyond the surface. Accepting the past, and greeting a future…
I look into her eyes, night after night…And I wonder who she sees. Who she trusts. Who she believes in. I am filled with fear. And regret. I wonder how she can believe in me. How she can encourage me. Day after day. How she can be patient, and understanding. Calm and comforting…I thank her of course. Daily. Though I truly believe she will never know to what depth I am thankful…I have my days, where I do not feel worthy of her, or that I am the kind of person someone should want to start a life with.
I think…And I think…And the world keeps turning. The music keeps playing. I keep walking, listening. I know the man in the mirror reminds me that who I am today is important, not who I was. The dust is settling. The rubble will be rebuilt. I have hope. I have dreams. We may be lost. But with people we love, we are found. We can believe in ourselves again.
And that’s what she does for me.