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I must stop this whole thing! Why, for twenty-nine years I’ve put up with it now. I must stop this relationship from coming… but how? And he thought. And he thought, and he thought.
What’s so great about it? What is it I’m missing? The love, the companionship, the hugs, the kissing? He was stumped for a moment. He was stumped for hour, perhaps even an day. A week, a month…he couldn’t be certain, he just couldn’t say.
And then it hit him. From nowhere it came. He couldn’t hide it any longer, and she was to blame.
I thought about writing this entire blog in rhyme…but I didn’t have the time. There was no patience for neither I, nor you. So I’ll get to the point, before you need the loo.
I’ve had a lot to think about the last few months. Old relationships. New relationships. Romantic, platonic, biological, symbiotic..And I find it perfectly normal that we need, nay want, something, someone to complete us. We have a biological imperative, as well as a social agenda, to wear one another. See how they fit. How they make us feel. A person to reject us. A person to accept us. It’s as if the meaning of self, is only a matter of reflection in another. If that is true…
Then who are we? Who are you? Do you know what you want? Do you know what you need? Did you know that the moment you knew what you wanted, would be the moment you realized you never knew?
Jagger not only had moves, but he knew how to write. He had many words to sing, and a few he got right.
“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”
He also had a big mouth…But wisdom has been proven to come from the most strangest of places. But what it says to me…
Every time I thought I had it right. Every time, I said that this could be it. It was based on the idea that we had any say in it at all. And the truth is. We don’t.
I imagine you’re thinking that we are a step above the missing link. We have opposable thumbs (for texting obviously). We have the power to communicate vocally (though regrettably lacking adequate articulation in most cases). But above all else, we make the choices that make us who we are. Hence, the actions we take and the decisions we make every day dictate how the world works…but is that really true either?
The interesting part of relationships, is that they always change. Who we are, what we are, how we are. What we like today, tomorrow, or in ten years. Different people fit at different times in varying situations, and we are at the will of a world that knows no reason. And we have to accept that. We have to acknowledge that we change, that the world changes, and relationships forged yesterday, today, or tomorrow, will also change.
To get to the point, which I so often have a problem getting to…Embrace life. Embrace change. Embrace one another. I love my parents dearly though I don’t always get to say it. If you would have told me we would be friends and equals and learn to accept one another for the wide ranging, ever changing people, we are, ten years ago I would have never believed you. My brother now with a wife and children, I never would have thought I would be envious, nor would I have considered those choices in his life for myself.
With so much to lose. So many weights to bare. So many unforeseen events that could happen at any moment…it is easy to see why one would choose to live without them.
But we cannot hide from it. It will find you. Hope will find you. Love will find you. When you least expect it. Everything in this world takes times, and patience. There is a fee to be paid. A toll if you will. And what it asks of us, is change. Lincoln, Jefferson, that other guy with the face…We have to be the change. Be willing to see. Willing to accept. Willing to grow. And when you do…You will find everything, you never knew you couldn’t live without.
As I sit at my desk, in my underwear, drinking day old coffee, eating a “sharing size” serving of M&M’s, and raising an inquisitive eyebrow at the Spotify app requiring yet another update…I had an epiphany. As your mind attempts to wrap around the thought of the beginning sentence, most likely determining that it has nothing to do with anything of any consequence neither with the topic of this blog nor of anything remotely relevant or interesting, I ask that you please, bare with me. And more to the point, thank you for excusing the rambling as well as the blatant and shameless use of an inappropriately placed preposition. Also, I apologize to the reader whom has taught me better than this, that has also inspired my writing in the first place…
We are entirely at the mercy of the spontaneity of life, and it’s mysterious jazz like rhythm. So much so, that to form a thought surrounding an idea so unexpected reasonably, that we first must jump to the worst possible conclusion. Good, bad, ugly (sorry Clint), it is preposterous to believe that some things just work. Always a catch, a slight of hand, something that just begs the question…what’s wrong with this picture? (the answer isn’t in the back of the newspaper, but it might be in Cosmo)
I will tell you what is wrong with this picture. The fact that we disregard that we as a species, as humans (and most aliens) are perpetually, inherently, flawed. We accept our shortcomings, our inner demons, even desires for more than we have as bounds to disengage, disappoint, and disempower. We dilute ourselves for the greater good…for ourselves? Who knew being selfless, could be selfish. Shamefully, I admit that I too had generally rather imparted impartiality (thank you english), than embrace personality. And in the last few years, I had grown even more loathsome, increasingly tired of trying to be anything other than myself. So I let it go. I took off my pants. I ate my bag of M&M’s. I drank my day old coffee. And I found out…
Our potential is exponential. And that rhyming is really fun…And that too many “ands” and writing without pants, is perfectly acceptable. As long as you’re you at the end of the day. And no one else. Being someone you don’t know and not wearing pants, while freeing, is widely frowned upon in most settings other than being in your home. The fact that I chose to drink cold, day old coffee, while living in the coffee capital of the country…is just poor form. Not to mention at this moment terrible on my digestive system. The point is, you cannot save someone else the trouble of life by not loving yourself…And you cannot be happy with someone else, until you are happy with yourself.
Also that life no matter from where you have come, has affected you. It has affected me. It affects everyone. No one comes from nowhere. Everyone has a story. A life. A tragedy. A mystery. A success. A worth…No one is perfect. No one has escaped unscathed, untouched. What makes us who we are is how we handle it all. What we make from what life throws at us next. How we move on, move forward, and that we keep moving. We keep searching. We keep on keeping on. Life’s a garden. Dig it. The rolling bird gathers no worm!
Okay okay, you’re probably thinking you’ve heard all this before…Be happy and happiness will follow blah, blah, blah. Oprah has said it every show for the last twenty-five years, and she gave away cars for listening to her…Well, I’m no Oprah but I’ve got something to say.
I’ve met someone. Someone whom has in a short time, become my world, a place and feeling I had never known. On the outside, expressive and obviously smitten, there cannot be a person unaware of my affection for her. Inside, immediately I was afraid. I was petrified. Thinking I could never…*cough* I tallied my score card of achievements, transgressions, good will, ill will, relationships both failed and flourishing. And I thought, and thought and thought. How can I ask someone to look beyond everything I’m not? Who can you trust with your fears, your failures, and the fact that you don’t share your M&M’s? How, more appropriately, can you ask someone to do that? And the answer is simpler than you think…
When you are happy with yourself, you won’t have to. And if you’ve found the right person, they won’t let you.
And I am. And we are. And you will be too.